Damn I get you Curtis. I fucking get you.
Idk what to think. I loved the story being told. Psychologically exploring emotions and thoughts in a relationship as it morphs and transforms is something that is vital. It’s something everyone should do. At the end of this film I look at my recent relationship and I examine my own emotional state. Before watching this film I had all of these emotions inside. Trapped as if they were inside of a glass bottle and just like soda every time I would catch a glimpse of hope in my situation with this person it was shaken. Most of the time it was a struggle to keep the cap on but sometimes it was shaken just enough to pop off and everything inside would erupt out as if my emotions and my thoughts were magma rising from the hottest place within me… My Core. Now…
After watching this film… My irrationality is slapping me in the face. Watching this man, Terrance Nance explore his own feelings by making this film made me realize mine. After all… Human experiences tend to be similar in nature. Maybe this is my wake up call.
After watching this film… I feel nothing. My only thoughts carried a sense of mysticism. An Air of the unknown. I say I know what will happen. I truly don’t. They say thats what makes life so interesting. We never know… and that is what makes the wise man wise… He acknowledges the fact that he knows nothing and therefore devotes the time to learning, growing thru the process of learning, maturation then ensues, and then that knowledge learned becomes understanding, and with understanding comes wisdom.
I am deeply in tune with how I feel. I ALWAYS know how I feel. I think this is one of the few times in my life where I’m comfortable not feeling anything at all. I feel clear. Clear… Clear… Clear… Clarity comes in weird and mysterious forms sometimes. I still wrestle and struggle with emotions daily. Heart people often do. But after today I think the struggle is gonna be a little easier to deal with. It’s going to be a little lighter. If things progress and get better in the future that’d be cool. If not then I know that I just need to keep on driving. I need to keep cruising… Go at a comfortable speed limit. Life isn’t a race and we are not on the Autobahn. Even if it were it would be a marathon and the winner isn’t necessarily finishing first… It’s the person that didn’t think they could finish that really wins. They gain the most out of the experience and I think that’s what I’m doing. Gaining the most out of a good and bad situation.
I know what I’m dealing with… their are no illusions here. No more fantasy. Just facts and folly. I realized I have oversimplified the situation. Acceptance… is the finally phase in death. I think it’s cool. Cuz their is nothing wrong with death… We all die everyday. Wake up and then live to see another situation to die to. To experience. To grow. Then die to. I’ve accepted it for what it is. So it’s okay if it dies completely. I know I’ll be reborn thru my maturation.
I swear I’m hurting still. Idk why. Maybe it’s cuz she’s still into him knowing it won’t work. She says it’s still a more intense love with me but I don’t see how. It’s fuckin with me.